Anxiety and Periods, Oh My!
I know I've neglected this blog for several months now. It was never my intention to stop writing, but there was nothing worth writing about. The start of the year I was motivated to make a positive difference in my body then COVID happened and my focus shifted on trying to adjust to my new normal as much as I could. I found my groove and sticking to a schedule has helped me albeit to my detriment sometimes. My post about returning to El Paso gave me the most hits, but my return to New York didn't return the same results. My life since returning to New York has been as normal as can be and there was nothing worth writing about.
Well, my return to New York has also brought forth some truths and realizations and personal issues that I feel like sharing (at least briefly here and I can go into deep dives if people are interested). There are stories that I've contemplated sharing and haven't because I grew up with the belief that personal things should be kept personal. I still believe this is true to an extent. I also believe that awareness isn't shared or spread by keeping things to ourselves. If someone chooses to tell their story, they shouldn't be shamed for that as it is their story and their story alone to tell. It would be completely different if I was telling the story of someone who hadn't consented to me doing so. It is someone's personal decision to share their story or not and that decision should be respected either way.
The biggest concern to come out of this is that I have been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep which is the one vital health necessity that I have never had difficulties with.
I have wanted to do a virtual psychologist visit to make sure that anxiety is truly the cause for these symptoms and while I do have health insurance, mental health is still difficult to get covered under the basic plan that I have and since I'm out of a job, I'm unsure how much I would be able to pay out of pocket only adding to these anxious feelings. I've looked into sliding scale therapy sessions, but as affordable as those are they're still expensive for someone with no income currently coming in. As uncertain as navigating this has been though, I've mainly had good days and I'm coping the best I can on the not so good days. Today is a relatively good day so obviously it's a lot easier for me to brush it off as not as big a deal. Obviously I know this isn't true. I would still like to start therapy at some point, but I think I'll be okay without it until I get a job. I'm doing what I can otherwise to not let the bad days get the best of me. I still have my personal diary where I let my feelings out and I think that was one of the main reasons I wanted to sit and write this out in my blog as well.
If you know me you know that I try to have as positive outlook on life as I can. This year has tested in that in so many ways and yet I know that others have had an even worse year than I have. I don't want to take away from anyone's experiences so sometimes that makes me stay quiet as opposed to saying anything. It's just one of those aspects of life where I felt like I had no right to express myself fully as others were having (and still are having) a worse time than me.
A major lifestyle change I made recently as well was quitting birth control. The fact that I was even on the pill is a little known fact about me as it should have been. There was no reason for me to share this with anyone other than those who truly needed to know. I probably would never have shared this on my blog for any reason. I would have quietly stopped taking the pill and again no one would have known. The reason I'm sharing this is because I wanted to share my negative experiences with the pill so that others can make a more educated decision than I about taking, specifically, hormonal birth control. So let me get the annoying thing out of the way now... my decision to NOT have kids has not changed!
I did not get off the pill so that I can attempt to get pregnant. I got off the pill because of the negative side effects I was having.
My period has never been normal.
I started by having periods with no cramps, mood swings, bloating, cravings essentially any of the typical period symptoms, but they were immensely heavy. I was having to change my pads way too frequently. I was also on my period longer than I wasn't. I knew that what I was experiencing wasn't normal. In school you're taught that you may have irregular periods for about two years before you become regular, but nothing else. I had no one I could relate to or talk to about this because I know one I knew was going through this.
A year after my first period, after months of talking to my doctor, she had a hormone injected into me in a very uncomfortable part of my body on my fifteenth birthday. (Happy birthday to me!) This hormone had had positive results on other women whether it be helping them to carry a baby to term or solving their period issues and I was hopeful it would help me.
Initially, it seemed as though the hormone made my period worse. Not only were my periods still heavy, but I was now having bad cramps. The rest of freshman year was a nightmare and it only got worse before it finally got slightly better. Finally a few months later as I was starting sophomore year, I no longer had cramps or heavy periods, but I still had my period more often than I didn't.
My periods were reversed in that they lasted three weeks and I had one week off without it. They were light though, and while it sucked to basically not be without it, I preferred this over the heavy ones that made me paranoid to sit down for any reason. I preferred this new normal over the other one any day.
When I became a sophomore in college, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. She had me tested for PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) and with this test I had officially been tested for PCOS three different times by three different doctors and each time the test had come back negative. I had also had an ultrasound on my ovaries before this and again everything was normal. With seemingly nothing wrong, my gynecologist put me on birth control pills to help regulate my period.
After a few months, my period was finally normal and regular.
In high school I had said that I would never get on the pill. My friend mentioned that the pill increased your chances of cervical cancer and having a family history of ovarian cysts and tumors, I didn't want to take that chance.
I went back on that belief because I wanted to be normal for once in my life!
Last year, I started to have doubts again about being on the pill.
I realized that side effects I were having were more than likely tied into the pill.
I had never before had migraines and now I was getting them at least once a month and the pain would get worse and worse.
I have a family history of high blood pressure and my grandfather actually died of a stroke and when I went to the clinic to discuss these concerns, it seemed as though they were brushed off. I quit taking the pill earlier this year cold turkey which is not recommended. I do wish I had been able to consult with a doctor before doing so in order to make the transition easier, but I felt like I had to do it for the good of my health.
I have to give thanks to a friend of mine that I met at the Williamstown Theatre Festival. She became a birth doula and has been sharing a ton of resources on Instagram. Some of the resources she shared were female doctors who validated exactly how I was feeling. All of them weren't against hormonal birth control, but they wished there was more readily available information so that women could make a more educated decision when choosing whether or not to take a hormonal birth control.
If I could make the choice again, I would have chosen to not go on the pill. I want to be clear that I am not against anyone going on hormonal birth control.
I am also not offering medical advice. I'm clearly not qualified! I simply want to share my story so that other women can learn from my experiences and hopefully make a more educated decision.
I'm also not mad at my doctor because I truly believe she was recommending something that she thought was genuinely going to help me.
It turns out that a lot of doctors also don't know how bad being on the pill can be. This is also a good reminder that every person is different. I know women who go on and off the pill as needed with absolutely no issues whatsoever. All I want is that you make the best, educated decision for you and your needs.
Anyway, one of the doctors recommended by my friend was Dr. Jolene Brighten. She also was on the pill for many years and when she got off the pill she also experienced post birth control syndrome. Some of the common post birth control syndrome symptoms include (*signifies symptoms I'm currently experiencing): Post-Pill Amenorrhea (loss of menstruation after taking the pill)*, heavy menstruation, painful periods, short menstrual cycles (<24 days), infertility, hypothyroidism, hair loss, breast tenderness, acne*, adrenal dysfunction, pain syndromes like migraines and headache*, weight gain or difficulty losing weight*, mood disorders (anxiety, depression, etc.)*, mood swings*, digestive (upset, gas, or bloating*), inflammation and other immune imbalances.
As some of you may know, I started a health journey and now I understand why it seems like I'm not making any progress on it. I've been frustrated because it seems like no matter what I was gaining weight/not losing weight. I've also been frustrated with the state of my face which has been constantly breaking out with no end in sight since June. Seeing that anxiety is also a common symptom is another reason as to why I've been able to put that on the back burner for now. My focus right now is researching and taking steps to regulate my hormones and if that doesn't ease my anxiety, then I know it's more than a result of post birth control syndrome. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
That was a lot more in depth than I thought it would be. It feels to get this all out in the open and be so personal about this. I would also like to use this as a kind reminder that sometimes people's physical appearances are a result of something out of their control which is why it is important to always be kind.
Lluvia
Doctors I recommend if you'd like more information:
Dr. Jolene Brighten https://drbrighten.com/
Dr. Aviva Romm https://avivaromm.com/
Fertility Friday (Not a doctor, but still a great resource): https://fertilityfriday.com/
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